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Balloon Jokes and One-liners

Balloon Jokes and One-liners

Balloon animals eat the air out of the holes in Swiss cheese
– Jimmy Davis

One-liners For Balloon Creations

One-liners For Balloon Dogs

  • Tell the kid you will make him a German Shepherd Police Dog, and really talk it up as you are twisting. You twist your usual poodle or hot dog. When you are done, announce that the police dog is ‘undercover’ working as a poodle (hot dog, etc.).
  • When making a dog. I now tell people that the dog talks. And then I kind of cover up my mouth (I’m not a ventriliquist) and I say “YO QUIERO TACO BELL!” It seems to get a laugh (and occasional groan) everytime.
  • Use this line with a Wiener dog: “They used to call ’em dauchshunds, now they call them Nissans.” Bah dum Bum chhh. Only those people about 25 or older will get this, but it always gets a few laughs for me. (Datsun is now Nissan)
  • If you are asked to make a dog and it pops you can say “dog gone.”
  • The best dog in the world is the hot dog. It feeds the hand that bites it.
  • While making a dog of some sort……Pop…Well I guess your dog wanted to be a POPPY and not a PUPPY !!!
  • “Good thing it’s a balloon dog…if it’d been a real dog that popped we could have named him SPOT, cuz there’d be a spot over there… a spot over there… and probably quite a few spots on the ceiling…” followed up with “boy…that SPOT…he sure gets around…!”
  • I still have all of my dog sculptures say “Yo Quiero Taco Bell!”
  • What kind of dog is that?
    It’s an AIRdale!
  • Dachshund .. Gesundheit
  • What do you call a little dog who drinks coke?
    A soda pup.
  • Tell the crowd you are going to tell them a story about when Roy Rogers’ father took him aside and told him what he needed to succeed in life. While you are setting the scene, start making a long dog (a Dachshund .. Gesundheit) Tell them that Roy was advised to get a friend that would stick with him through thick and thin. Upon completion of the dog exhort them to this line. His father told him to, “Get a LONG little doggie, get aLONG.”
  • “Name an animal, and I will make it out of this one balloon.” When they say dog, I say “that’s easy give me a real tough animal.” They give their reply. Then I pause for a minute, look puzzled and say, “A dog you say!” It usually gets a laugh.
  • “You would like a cat? I went to the pet store the other day and asked if they had any cats going cheap and they said “No, all our cats go meow.”

One-liners For Fowl Requests

Chickens

  • What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud and crosses back?
    A dirty double crosser.
  • Why is a chicken on a fence like a coin?
    Heads on one side tails on the other.
  • Why did the chicken cross the basketball court to talk with the ref?
    Because he was calling all fowls.
  • Chickens play in bands because they have their own drumsticks.
  • Why did the chicken sit on the ax?
    Because he wanted a hatchet.
  • Why did the one eyed chicken cross the road?
    To get to the Birds Eye Factory.
  • What do you call a dance that a chicken goes to?
    A Foul Ball.
  • Why did the chicken go to the middle of the road?
    To lay it on the line.
  • Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
    He was stapled to a chicken.
  • Q: Why did the chicken cross the information superhighway?
    A: To get to the other site!
  • Q: What do you call the chicken that crossed the road?
    A: Poultry in motion!
  • “Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
    He heard they were shooting fouls.”

Hens

  • Why aren’t hens allowed in school?
    Because “fowl” language isn’t allowed.
  • We’ve got a hen down at our house that lays white eggs. “What’s so wonderful about that? Can you do it?
  • I wonder if a hen gets discouraged because she always finds things missing from where she laid them?
  • What’s the smartest food in the grocery store?
    Grade “A” eggs.
  • Which is correct: The white of the eggs is yellow, or the white of the eggs are yellow?
    Neither. The whites are never yellow.
  • Why is a wild young horse like an egg?
    It must be broken before it can be used.

Birds

Can anyone tell me what kind of bird this is?:

  • “Right! It’s a Pop-injay.”
  • “Right! it’s a bal-Loon.”
  • Rooster: “Hey, it’s a Pop-y-cock.”
  • If you stretch the balloons before inflating: “I’m making an os- stretch.”
  • “I don’t mind making rubber birds, I just get tired of sitting on all those rubber eggs.”
  • “I used to make pigeons, but all my other sculptures complained about the mess.”
  • “Why do flamingoes stand with one leg raised?
    Because if they lifted both legs, they’d fall down.”

One-liners For Fish

  • Know what kind of fish this is?
    A blowfish.
  • Make a fish, call it a blowfish (the only kind of fish a balloon artist can make).
  • Where do dolphins see movies?
    At the dive-in!
  • Why did the dolphin cross the beach?
    To get to the other tide!
  • How come we have a Jelly Fish, but we don’t have a Peanut Butter Fish?
  • Do you know how to get in touch with a fish?
    Drop him a line.Tell them the fish is from Sharkago where he goes to the tuna-versity and he hates Fry-days.

Giraffes

  • The reason giraffes’ heads are so far away from their bodies is because their feet smell.
  • Well kids, who knows why the giraffe’s neck is so long? Kid says ‘to eat leaves in trees or look for lions’ Excellent answer but I’m sorry, that’s not the real reason. The real reason a giraffe’s neck is soooo long is because his head is sooo far away from the rest of his body that if his neck was not that long his head would fall right off. Perhaps be kicked around by an elephant. Now wouldn’t that be embarrassing. More than anything else a giraffe hates to be embarrassed. No, wait! More than anything else a giraffe hates to have a sore throat. He has to swallow his lozenges two weeks before he even knows he’s gonna be sick.
  • Where do giraffes go to play….? Giraffic Park!
  • When making a giraffe, tell the this story — Did you know there used to be long neck and short neck giraffes? The long neck giraffes used to play jokes on the short neck giraffes by standing in the middle of a pond and telling the short neck giraffes that the water was not deep. And now you know why there are no more short neck giraffes.

Pigs

  • Pig one-liners
  • Would you like to date a real “Babe?”
  • You look like you need a shave, so I’m making you a razorback.
  • When they told me I’d be “makin’ bacon” this wasn’t what I had in mind.
  • I was lucky to find this location — do you know how hard it is to find a porking place in this city?
  • I was going to make just a plain motorcycle, but then I decided to go all-out and make a hog.
  • (Does anybody make a pig on a Harley? Then you’d have a hog on a hog.)

Frogs

  • What happened when two frogs went after the same fly?
    They became tongue-tied!
  • Where does a frog change its clothes?
    In the croak-room!
  • Make a frog in a restaurant. Make the legs first and offer ’em frog legs for dinner. It’s a little more expensive since it’s not on the menu. And they’re a bit rubbery…but they taste just like chicken!

Rabbits

  • When making a rabbit — “Now that was a hair raising experience.”
  • When making a rabbit or Bugs you can ask:
    “How do you catch a unique rabbit?
    Unique up on him!”
    “How do you catch a tame rabbit?
    Tame way!”
  • While making an energizer bunny rabbit:
    Do you know where the energizer bunny went after he got married?
    He went on his bunnymoon where he lived hoppily ever after.

One-liners For Elmo

  • I made an Elmo and said “you’ve heard of Tickle-Me Elmo? This is called POP ME ELMO!”
  • Buy a sack of those artificially colored feathers, stick one into Elmo’s hand, and give out Tickle You Elmo’s.
  • Off-color version would be Tickle *This!* Elmo.
  • For the puppies on your list, give a can of “Tickle Me Alpo.”
  • Give out macaroni and call them Tickle Me Elbows.
  • Put a cheap stuffed Elmo into a jar of brine and vinegar and…no, no, no.
  • “What’s red, furry and knocks people over? TACKLE ME ELMO!”

One-liners for Disney Characters

  • When I make a Disney character I almost always say: “Whenever I blow up too many balloons, I always get Disney…..”
  • “You know what it’s like; first your face turns Snow white… Then you start to feel Dopey, dumpy, and Sleepy…then downright Goofy!”
  • “It’s sort of like when someone slips you a Mickey…”
  • “Next thing you know….you’re off to Pluto!”

Other Various Balloon Animals

  • Skunk: “Sure, I can make a skunk. I even had garlic for lunch! (Breathtaking!)”
  • Cow: “If I drop her, you’ll get to see the Jersey Bounce! (Udderly amazing!)”
  • From Roger’s Rubber Ark: “And believe me, I am not lion to you. Now there’s a funny lion you can use to make someone roar with laughter.”
  • Another is to offer the kids a one balloon dinosaur… a “d’ye-think-he-saurus.”
  • What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinocerous?
    Elephino!
  • “What kind of a phone does a turtle use? a shellular phone.”
  • “What kind of a phone does a skunk use? a smellular phone.”
  • What did the Koala Bear say when it fell out of the tree?
    Arrgghhh!
  • What do you call a monkey that spreads rumors?
    A Blaboon!
    Like it? Kids just go ape over that one.

One-liners For Hats

  • I use the “don’t suck your head in” line, and add that some people call it “changing your mind.”
  • Before I fit a hat I ask if they have any sharp things on their head (a somewhat legitimate concern.) I say that if the balloon were to pop on their head, they would get a bald spot. Then I list sharp things “Do you have any bobby pins?…(no) “Horns? (giggle) “Cactuseseses?”(more giggles) “Little green aliens?” “Teeth?” By this time the “no” answer has almost been pre-programmed into them, so they say no to the teeth. You can go on and on with the responses to this.
  • Another thing I may say when fitting a hat is ” OH NO! Ring around the brain!”
  • My favorites are brain related. I make lots of hats. I say, “Excuse me, I have to measure your brains. Oh, I see you have the large type. Do you use them, or are they just for looks? Mine are just for looks. I keep lots of air in my head so I’m good at my job.”
  • I also make jokes about needing to run out and buy bigger balloons because their brains are way too big.
  • If parents are nearby I ask if their brains came from the mother or father. That always provokes something. After they pick one I’ll say, “Oh I see. So [the other one] is the good looking one.” These brain jokes can go on all day.
  • One of my favorite lines — is when I a measuring a head to make a hat — I always say — “don’t suck in now — I need to get a true measurement.” Most of the older ones crack up on that one.
  • When measuring a child for a balloon hat, I’ll start with asking the child’s brain size. They usually don’t know, so I’ll wrap the balloon around the child’s head and (holding the loop) I seriously inform them, “This is your brain size. Will you remember it, or should I give you the hat so you’ll have a guide?”
  • When you wrap a balloon around the person’s head to size them for a hat, wrap it around in front of their eyes and tell your audience, “It’s Jordi LaForge from Star Trek!” It’s even funnier if they know who your talking about. 🙂 Best to ask them if they have seen Star Trek, The Next Generation. 🙂 (Warning: this idea can be funny and get a good reaction, but many balloonists will advise against it due to the dangers of a balloon popping and striking someone’s eye. Use it at your own risk.)
  • When making a hat — Come closer I need to measure your head. I need you to stand right there next to the star. (pause) Did you find the star? I need you to stand right next to the star. (pause) Oh, you can’t find the star? That’s me!

For Adults

  • In a bar, I made a hat for someone and I said: Excuse me I have to measure your head. I put the two balloons around his head and then took them off. I looked at them puzzledly (like I was reading a measurement or sizing it up) and said “Wow, size 145!” Then after a second or two I said it would have been larger if you had a brain.
  • For secure and fun-loving adults I might ask what their ego size is… if that gets a laugh from the person’s companions, I’ll size the hat and mutter something to the effect of “Extra hefty.”

Hey, That Doesn’t Look Like A XXXXX!”

  • “Yes, it’s a Latexian Schnitz-hund. And, if I say so myself, a perfect rendition.”
  • “It’s in its larval stage. Take it home, put it in the closet for two weeks and it becomes a St. Bernard.”
  • “It’s a cross-breed.”
    “Shhh – you’ll hurt its feelings.”
  • “My God, you’re right. Here, you try.” (Careful – they may be better than you, and you’ll stand there performing dueling balloons for half an hour) (then again, you might learn something, and you’ll look good if you have good humor).
  • “Hey, it looks more like a dog now than it did five minutes ago.”
  • “Everybody makes dogs that look like dogs – mine are a novelty.”
  • If I did that, it would’ve popped.
  • “Actually it’s dog DNA; take it home, put it in a warm, dark place and in a million years it will evolve into a dog.”
  • Whenever an adult says ‘Just pretend it’s a dog’ or a similar comment, I pull out my Sharpie marker and take the balloon back. I write ‘DOG’ on the side of the balloon. I hand it back with a big smile and say ‘I am always prepared for the imagination impaired or challenged.’
  • “Of course it’s a lion, you can tell because it’s purple. If it was _pink_ it would be a panther, but it’s not, so it _must_ be a lion.” (it’s a Zen kind of humor, I think.)
  • There is a great Groucho Marx line from “Duck Soup” that could be used; “Who are you going to believe, me, or your very own eyes?”
  • You can only make FBI Balloons. You know: they ask for a tiger. You make them a dog. They say, “Hey that looks more like a dog than a tiger.” And you say, “It’s an FBI tiger. He’s working under cover as a dog.”
  • “You like that yellow mouse, Jimmy? Ever see a yellow mouse? No? I grew up in the sixties, I see ’em everywhere!”
  • If your character is capable of getting away with it, hold the dog next to the heckler’s face and say to all other spectators, “Yeah, I think we can all see the resemblance. No, wait a minute.” Turn the balloon around. “There we go, perfect!” This puts the victim into the position of having to be a good sport. Of course, if the subject of your humor isn’t a good sport, you may get your butt kicked. Part of the fun. If you’re skittish about putting your audience on the spot, do the same gag, but hold it up to your own face.
  • “Oh, a dog, I thought you said ________” Fill in the blank with whatever it looks like. If it really *doesn’t* look like a dog (or whatever), say that it was an abstraction, but your art is horribly misunderstood by the unwashed masses. But that’s okay, because you’re getting into Pop Art (pop it and make another whatever, but do it right this time).
  • You could do the “trained dog” bit, if they’re not happy with the sculpture… “Of course it’s a dog; it just got back from obedience school. Watch” command “Rollover” (action is semi-obvious here – if needed, blow a slight puff of air at the figure with your mouth to help) command “Speak” (squeak the side of the balloon) command “play dead” (put it on the floor and stomp on it.)

One-liners For Rejection

  • I don’t remember a child *ever* rejecting one of my sculptures, but I can recall many sad, pitying looks as they accepted my effort gracefully and asked what I do for my *real* job.

For nice children who politely refuse:

  • “You don’t want her? That’s okay, balloons are resilient. They bounce back quickly. She’ll find somebody on the rebound.”
  • “I started out trying to make something beautiful, but it came out all twisted!”
  • “Really? I love this sculpture! The air is human, the twist divine!”
  • “And Barbara Woodhouse assured me that there are no bad dog…balloons.”
  • “You know, I could make it look just like him if only Leonardo diCaprio had more places where he pinched and bulged.”

Nasty people who rudely refuse:

  • “You don’t like the way it looks? Funny, the balloon said something very similar….”
  • “I hope you’re not rejecting it because of its color. Or its creed or religion, for that matter.”
  • “Sorry, but rejections cost you twice as much. All of my sculptures come with a double your money *front* guarantee.”
  • “You need signed permission from your parents not to accept this balloon.”
  • “Well, you don’t look very much like a rhinoceros, either, but you don’t see anybody rejecting you.”

One-liners For Crowd Control

  • “Stand back! I might explode at any moment!”
  • “Scoot back a little – you don’t want to look up my nose, it’s a horrible sight!”
  • I psychically select the balloons for each person in advance. You don’t want to jeopardize your karma by taking someone else’s balloon, do you?
  • If you are a clown, you can always whisper to the rude/obnoxious people and kids “Remember, I know what you look like… do you know what I look like without make-up?”
  • Refer to the broken balloon bits all around a twister are called “clown droppings.” Have the kids help you pick them up.

One-liners for Any Crowd

  • You will notice my fingers never leave my hands.
  • When adults have been watching you work a nearby table at your restaurant, and smile at you as you pass, pause and say, “This is what I get for not going to college!”
  • If you drop something, say “This is where things start to really pick up.”
  • “Would you like to see me do this sculpture backward?” Turn around.
  • “I am one of the best balloon artists in the country. All of the really good balloon artists live in the city.”
  • If you stumble up your words, “My words fail me, just like my English teacher.”
  • I have more witty lines, but you would only laugh!
  • When making these balloons, notice my fingers never leave my hands.
  • When using the kid to hold the balloons, “Raise the balloon a little lower.
  • Lower the balloon a little higher.
  • If a balloon falls to the ground — We need to hold that a little farther off the floor.
  • The line “must have been a sudden gust of gravity” is a nice throw off for any time you drop something.
  • Balloon art is all mind over matter. I don’t have a mind, and it doesn’t really matter.
  • This is a balloon sculpture that takes lots and lots of practice. So, stand back, I just started yesterday.
  • I have had several requests for this next balloon, but I’m going to do it anyway.
  • After telling a story about a balloon say “That was a true story I just made up.”
  • Out of all the balloon audiences I have ever had… You’re one of them!
  • And now for my final balloon (or balloon joke) … Which coincidently is my last balloon (or balloon joke) …
  • And always remember when driving home after the show .. use a car!
  • Stop and take a break to talk to the balloons. Regular small talk like “What do you want to be when you’re blown up?”
  • When the balloons really start squeaking say: “forgot to oil my hands again”
  • I call what I do “Airigami”. The art of folding air in special latex containers.
  • Make a balloon person and say: “inflation is the sincerest form of flattery!”
  • “If you got ’em, blow ’em.”
  • All it takes is years of practice and self-denial, and you too can blow up balloons for a living.
  • When the comment is made, “Boy, it must be hard to do that!” – “Nah! A three-year-old (with twenty years’ experience) can do this!”

One-liners For Kids

  • Here’s an oldie but a goodie for when your creation won’t stand up: I believe it comes from *Roger’s Rubber Ark*, “If your legs were made of rubber, you couldn’t stand up either.”
  • Do you know how to mend a broken heart (balloon)? With “ticker tape”.
  • Do you know what Daffy Duck’s favorite flower is? Of course, the daffydill. Did you know the daffydill couldn’t ride his bike. Yeah, he lost his petals. The tulips just smiled.
  • Please, keep safety in mind. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn…
  • Don’t point that finger at me, there’s a nail on the end of it!
  • After handing the Teddy Bear to a little girl, I reach out and squeeze the nose, concealing the squeaker in my hand. “I think you got one of the squeaky balloons!” (to Mom/Dad) “That oughta keep her busy for awhile!”
  • Hang on for a sec. I need to catch my breath. After all, I’ve been giving it away all night.
  • Ask a child, “How old are you?” Respond by saying, “What a coincidence — that is exactly how old I was when I was your age!”
  • “How do you make a kleenex dance?
    You got to put a little BOOGIE into it.”
  • “What is the difference between brussel sprouts and boogers?
    Kids don’t eat brussel sprouts.”
  • For a Green Sword:
    This one’s green! Heard of a pickle fork? Yours, son, is Pickle Sword.
  • Warning! Do not try this one at home… go to a friends house.
  • Check out little kid joke books from the library and get a ton of animal jokes.
  • Do you know what you get when you cross a millipede with a parrot?
    Awalkie talkie!
  • Why don’t they let dinosaurs drive cars?
    Because there were too many tyrannosaurus wrecks.
  • I make the Teddy Bear Hugging a Heart and tell them this is fuzzy wuzzy cause he’s not very fuzzy is he? But he loves you beary much.
  • While on restaurant duty the past few weeks, I’ve been using back-to-school jokes. I’ll ask the kid what grade he’s in, then say: “Oh, I LOVED the fourth grade. It was five of the happiest years of my life!” I know, it’s so old it creaks, but the kids and parents still enjoy it. Anyway, one little girl’s grandfather came back with this one: “On the day I graduated from the fourth grade, I was so excited I could hardly shave.” I’ll use it.
  • Why did the girl blow up a balloon? Her mother told her to save her breath!!! )
  • A favorite balloon joke was to just sit there watching and when I hand the balloon to the kid yell “PAM” and laugh as the kids blood pressure shoots through the roof. The kids and parents usually laughed.

One-liners For Kids Who Want More Balloons

  • But you’ve hardly had time to enjoy the first one! You don’t want to hurt its feelings, do you?
  • That _is_ your second balloon. The IRS got the other one. If I make you a third, they’ll come and take away your daddy’s car.
  • A second balloon?! Ach! Kids today! Do you think rubber grows on trees? (Of course, it grows _in_ trees.)
  • I’m sorry, I could only buy one balloon for each person because I paid with a rubber check.
  • Sorry, I’m so short on balloons I had to melt down my shower curtain to meet the demand. By the way, you’ll need to bring that [dog] over to my house when you’re done with it or I’ll never be able to take a bath again.
  • You know the old sailor’s saying, “One balloon, sing a merry tune, Two balloons, eaten by baboons.” Let’s not risk it, okay?
  • The first one is free. You have to earn a second one by singing and dancing the Hokey-Pokey — _solo_. (While the kid’s doing the dance, you can handle a couple more customers, and if s/he does it, hell, make another balloon.)
  • There’s a special line for kids who want a second balloon. It begins at the end of this line. Everyone else will be waiting for their first balloon, but when it comes time for second balloons, you’ll be first in line, and you won’t have to wait at all!
  • I’m trying to spread the joy of balloons to all the world’s children one at a time. If you want a second balloon, you’ll need to get in line behind New Zealand.
  • Here’s a way to handle the ‘I want’ statement from the children (to point out in a subtle way that it’s a little rude): I thump my chest and say ‘I Norm, glad to meet you Want’.

I Want. . .

  • I use this when working a line or at parties. When anyone asks “Can you make me a doggy?” I take a couple of steps back from them, get a very serious look of my face, thrust my hands forward towards the person, utter a few magic words and say “you’re a doggy!!!!!! When it fails, I get a real confused look on my face and then look at them and say ” Oh, didn’t work – you’re still a little girl”. I then make them what they asked for.
  • “Make me a doggy!” I pull out my wand, wave it and say “There! Now you’re a doggy! Ohhhh it may not feel like much now, but wait ’til you get home and look in the mirror.”

What Do They Eat?

  • Care and feeding instructions that I learned from Frank Thurston: If the animals are hungry, feed them a little evaporated milk, by the way, they love donut holes, but don’t let them have too many or they will pop.
  • “Balloon animals eat the air out of the holes in Swiss cheese” (from One Balloon Zoo I think).
  • Balloon animals love to eat bubble gum, but they hate pop-corn.
  • “I’ve never been bitten by a balloon animal”

Are Those Special Balloons?

YES:

  • Yes, steel belted.
  • Yes, when I’m finished with them.
  • This one is, because I’m twisting it specially for you.
  • Yes, and thank you for using the more politically correct “special” rather than “twisted.”
  • Yes. They are only to be used by trained professionals. Trained professionals would include people with $2.95 in their pockets and too much time on their hands.
  • Yes. [How are they special/Why are they special?] If you have to ask, you’ll never understand.

NO:

  • No. These are special hands.
  • No. I have special lungs.
  • No. I just take a long breath before I blow them up.
  • No. I save my special balloons for visiting dignitaries.
  • No. My special balloons are currently on display at the Smithsonian.
  • No. My special balloons refuse to be seen with me in public.
  • No. My special balloons twist themselves.
  • No. My special balloons are around the corner, twisting clowns into dogs.

For Adults:

  • No. My *special* balloons keep my wife from getting pregnant.

How/Where Did You Learn This?

How Did You Get Started Doing This?

  • “That’s not important – the question is, when will I be able to afford to stop?”
  • “Bubble gum is too sticky and hot water bottles are too expensive.”
  • “I was in city government, but I left for something more socially responsible.”
  • “How does anybody get started? I took a civil service examination.”
  • “My high school guidance counselor steered me toward balloon sculpture when all of the ditch-digging work study slots were filled.”
  • “As a child, I was swept off the bow of my father’s yacht by a 50- foot wave. A quick-thinking clown threw me a purple dachshund he’d just twisted. I swore from that day forward….”
  • “I’m a contortionist; I started twisting balloons to research new positions. I had to give it up after successfully contorting into one of these.” [hold up an elaborate sculpture]
  • “When I was fifteen years old, I was abducted by aliens, taken to their home planet, trained in the art of balloon sculpture, then returned to Earth. I figured, hey they travelled all that way….”
  • “Well, I earned a doctorate in physics, but then I graduated, and square dancing doesn’t pay like it used to.” [That one was for Mark]
  • “When I was younger, my parents locked me in a closet with nothing but balloons…,” (look at puzzled faces) “uh, never mind”
  • “What do you mean? doesn’t everyone know how to do this?”
  • “You would be amazed what you’re able to do when being paid twenty dollars an hour.”
  • “You would be amazed what you’re able to do when being held at gun-point by a four-year-old.”
  • “I don’t know… I remember waking up late one night, to an eerie bright green light outside my window…the whole room was shaking, and every electric appliance was going nuts…. then these weird looking little men were standing around my bed… one of them touched my forehead, then pulled out a bag of long balloons… next thing you know…. we’re all making balloon doggies… and I’ve been able to do it ever since… what do ya make of that… hmmmmm..?”
  • “I attribute all of my success to my mother’s insistence on feeding me organ meats.”
  • “When I was a lad, my Grandpa sat me on his knee and said, ‘Denny, you’ll never amount to anything.’ And, bless his heart, he was right.”
  • “It’s all I can do since the accident.” [If they ask, “What accident,” prefer not to talk about it.]
  • “I’ve always had a deep-seated hatred of balloons: I do this to torture them.”
  • “Ask General N-n-n-n-norman Sch-sch-sch-schwartzkopf why I’m standing in front of f-f-f-freakin’ Wal-mart makin’ f-f-f-freakin’ balloons.”
  • “Well, one day I was sitting in my living room and one of those Sally Struthers commercials came on asking if I wanted to make more money, sure we all do, and I thought, ‘I’ll bet I could get suckers to pay me two dollars for a five-cent balloon.'”
  • “Kenneth, what’s the frequency?”
  • “Can you name another job where people cheerfully pay you for an item that’s contaminated with mononucleosis?”
  • I practiced on hot water bottles until I got my confidence up.
  • I practiced on garden hoses until I got my confidence up.
  • I practiced on real dogs until I got my confidence up.
  • You wanna know my secret? Cow dung. Every day, I rub cow dung into my hands to soften them up. Here, smell.
  • When I was younger my dad used to toss me in the air a lot, then he would make a balloon animal.

Where Did You learn How to Do This?

  • When asked, “Where did you learn to do that?” – “In prison”…(watch the reaction. You can have some fun with this, depending on how they respond).
  • When asked, “Where did you learn to do that?”
    Years of self denial, self discipline, and unemployment.
  • “Where did you learn how to do this?”
    “I read it on the bathroom walls.”
  • “My dog taught me” (start winking at a pre-prepared balloon dog).
  • (Twist a ballon dog and hold it out) “He taught me.”
  • “Satan”, (roll eyes back into head and start twisting manically and laughing hysterically) (be careful who you use this one around).
  • When I am asked “Where did you learn how to do that?” my response is “In prison…” but not if they look like they might take offense to it. Then I can play off their reactions. I had one lady believe me and launch into a commentary about how nice it is that I had chosen to rehabilitate myself with something so pleasant and peaceful. I told her to shut up and give me her purse… JUST KIDDING! I very politely told her how nice it was that she showed such concern for me but that I was just being a smart alec and should apologize for making fun of this kind of thing. Other than this isolated incident, the line has worked every time.

Did You Go To School For That?

  • No, I got kicked out of school for that.
  • Yes, and boy was I lucky that the “Shoveling Up After the Elephants” class was already full.
  • No, I have a law degree, but decided to pursue something more socially responsible.
  • No, I was forced to drop out and work the streets due to inflation.
  • No, I’m doing this because I *didn’t* go to school: let that be a lesson to you.
  • Yes, but they got a court order to make me stop, so I decided to try children’s parties.
  • (Look puzzled) “Why else do you go to high school?”
  • I went to Balloon U, in air-izona, inflated tuition, etc.
  • When people ask where I learned to do that, I usually say: I went to B.U… BALLOON U. Well, I had to go to Balloon U., and study Balloonology. The tuition was kind of INFLATED, but it was worth it. We had lots of POP quizzes, though. Where is Balloon U???? In AIRizona. I just tell everyone that I have my PH.B. from Balloon U.!
  • Many people will ask me “How did you learn to do this? Did you have to go to school or something?” and my quick reply is “Oh yes, I had to go to Balloon U and major in Ballonology. See my nametag, I’m a certified Balloonologist. I have my Ph.B! I even minored in Airagami.”
  • I like to take a slightly different route with this question, “How did you learn this…?” my reply is usually “…actually I skipped school to learn this..” (said with a wink and tongue in cheek) (I also go on to briefly explain learning from books, videos, this list and T. Myers’ lectures. I don’t want to put our art in a bad light, there’s a shock value to that reply that gets the kind of reactions I want. Plus it fits my performing character.)
  • “Did you go to school to learn this?” And my favorite line from the movie “Benny and Joon”: “No. I got kicked out of school for this.”

How Long Have You Been Doing This?

  • “How long have you been doing this/when did you get started?” (glance at watch) “About ten minutes ago.”
  • “When did you start doing this..?” look at my watch and say ..”’bout an hour ago…..” (then smile stupidly) That type of reply is _old_ as the hills, but still works great for me….

And For the Adults

  • “Some people are born to latex, others have latex thrust upon them.”
  • “Well, I was working the streets in Santa Monica, and when things were slow….”
  • I am a registered professional, licensed to thrill.
  • I am the fastest balloon man in the west, and can take anyone on with a simple puff of the lungs. It doesn’t matter if I’m in public or private, whenever I see children my hands go into this twisting frenzy…

What To Say When a Balloon POPS!

  • “May you rest in pieces!”
  • “I sure got a bang out of that!”
  • “That was a weasel. It went pop.”
  • “I told you I was going to BLOW it up!”
  • “Shhh, don’t tell anyone how I did that!”
  • “Sorry son, the dog was rabid, had to put it down” (from movie The Mask)
  • “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure that the Doctor puts him back together again.”
  • I say my sharp wit pops the balloons.
  • I thought that all balloons had a hole in them!!!
  • When a balloon breaks for an Optimist, he just says “Great! Now I have two!”
  • What do you call a balloon dinosaur with a hole in it?
    Extinct.
  • When I do shows I usually have a gun in my pocket… the kind with the little flag that pops out that says “bang” on it. When a balloon pops I grab the gun quickly and fire at it and say triumphantly, “got it”.
  • Hold you hands to your chest saying, “He GOT me!”
  • The most obvious source of balloons popping is “bad breath.”
  • Remember, every time a balloon pops, an angel gets its wings!!
  • I snapped an empty balloon into my face as I was attempting to blow it up. I would grab my nose and make a horrible face and a shocked face at the same time. Always got a good laugh.
  • When blowing up the balloon, I would comment somewhere that “You have to be careful with these things…they have a hole in one end!”
  • Which reminds me of another bit I have used…. The balloon inflated, and held at the mouth end, and have everyone do the “lift-off” countdown. Great laugh getter.
  • Festive pop-line: “You’ve heard of Christmas crackers?
    Well this is a Christmas banger (or fire cracker)!!”
  • When a balloon pops…show the remaining balloon in one hand and a new balloon (uninflated) in the other hand and say: “This is your balloon..(show the new balloon)…this is your balloon on drugs..(show broken balloon)…any questions?”
  • The sound of balloons popping in the distance are music to my ears. I usually turn to see if an adult in line turns toward the noise. If so, when they look back, I make eye contact and say with a small smile, “Job security.”.
  • “Don’t they last forever?” I’m asked. My reply is, after a subdued laugh, “Now you know why I chose balloons for my art form. If it lasted forever, you’d never need to come see The Balloon Man, ever again, and we can’t be having that, now, can we? I have two kids to feed too.”
  • At my restaurant tonight I had a heart balloon pop and the person at the table said “You broke my heart” in a soft voice.
  • One of my favorite pop lines is: “Better his head than mine.”
  • What is the difference between a amateur balloon artist and an amateur skydiver?
    With the amateur balloon artist, you hear “BANG…….Oh Darn!
    With the amateur skydiver you hear “Oh Darn…. BANG!
  • “I’d like you to meet my pop.”
  • For oral inflators: “Whoa, I don’t know about you, but that took *my* breath away.”
  • “If you step on a balloon, you get a tootsie pop.”
  • “Call Triple-A!” or, for you do-it-yourselfers, “This’ll be a few minutes while I get out my patch-kit. Anybody got a bucket of water and a jack?”
  • “Quick! Don’t let that air get away!”
  • “Well, that saved you the trouble of popping it yourself. One dollar, please.”
  • “You don’t mind if it’s a little small, do you?” or, for adults, “Women always tell me that size doesn’t matter.”
  • “Remember, kids, beans and broccoli are a dangerous mix.”
  • “Oh, you wanted it without the sound effects….?”
  • “We’ve had our moment of noise, now can we have a moment of silence?”
  • “Kids, that’s a great metaphor for life.” Refuse to explain further.
  • “Another Warhol balloon.” or “Another Lichtenstein balloon.” etc.
  • When a balloon pops you can yell “-sicle!”
  • That’s how dinosaurs became extinct!
  • “Must have been an airdale!”
  • When I make a mistake or pop a balloon I tell people that “this is exactly why I’m not a brain surgeon.”
  • My father was a pop artist, my sister’s father was a pop artist, my mother’s husband was a pop artist, and my grandmother’s son was a pop artist. I guess that makes me Pop’s artist.
  • If it’s, say, Jimmy’s birthday party, I can say “Oh, no! Jimmy’s exploded!”
  • If it’s a human-shaped figure, I can say “Many people react to me that way.”
  • Have a pop “art attack”
  • My favorite is from David Ginn’s wonderful book, Clown Magic. After the balloon breaks, take a plastic ear of corn out of your pocket and say, “Ow, that hurt my ear!”
  • My favorite line when a balloon pops – That was my very famous exploding __________ whatever animal, flower, etc.
  • If you blow up your balloons by mouth – Musta been the bad breath!
  • Yes… and of course may he rest in pieces.
  • I think that had something to do with economics – INFLATION!
  • If the next animal pops, we have to sing pop goes the weasel.
  • I just hate when they do that!
  • (Have a plastic ear of corn ready) Ouch! That hurt my ear.
  • The balloons are guaranteed to have at least one hole, you are in luck that one had two.
  • With flowers I also say… “Awww, look; it’s a Poppy!”
  • (look around) OK, who did that?
  • This happens everytime I work with the sharp kids.
  • Was working a picnic for Fuji film this past weekend, and it was HOT…( about 98 in the shade )….while making a 6 petal flower, the petal section slipped from my hands, hit the concrete and 1 petal popped..which sent it floating back up an inch or two, it hit again and a coupla more popped….I just had to take advantage of this ( had a big crowd around me at the time ) and screamed..”..DUCK…!!! it’s those Kodak people..they have a sniper in the trees and don’t want you to have any balloons.!!!!!!” ( apologies to anyone here that may be associated with Kodak… )…it got a GREAT response….
  • If a petal on a flower pops you say, “Oh it must be a poppy!” However, when I make a 6 petal flower, the people typical wence in fear. So I delivered the line before I did the squish and twist like this: “It’s going to be a flower…if all goes well it will be a daisy; but if it breaks, you will have to settle for a poppy.” Then I pushed and twisted. Nobody hid under the table in fear because they were laughing.
  • (Boldly proclaim) These things Never pop!
  • Wow! I’m glad I got that out of my system.
  • Do you know what causes that? … Bad Breath.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Ahhhh!
  • As heads turn around, wave and say Hello.
  • Ok, who bit the animal. Never bite the animal.
  • Nobody sleeps when I work.
  • It didn’t pop, IT BANGED REAL LOUD!
  • A thing of beauty is a joy forever.
  • No balloon leaves the area untested. That one popped just fine!
  • (If pops before too many twists) That’s OK, they only pop once! (If only head of animal remains, pick it up and display it from side to side) OK, moving a-head!
  • “Music to my ears! – The sound of job security!”
  • “That popping sound was its ear drums – I think it got the bends.” (Great for sea creatures.)
  • “You think I got a big pop? You should see my mom!”
  • “Quick! Don’t let that air get away!”
  • “That’s okay. It replenishes the ozone layer.”
  • “I guess I should have tried inflating them in rehearsal.”
  • “Forget the balloon! Look! My watch is still ticking!”
  • “Whoops – warranty expired.”
  • “Planned obsolescence.”
  • “Don’t worry. I hear that Bill Gates is coming out with the improved Balloon’97…sometime in ’98.”
  • “That happens every time I try to twist a porcupine.”
  • “Okay, wrap your front legs around your neck, twist five times and see if you don’t pop!”
  • “I heard that! I suppose now you’re going to blame the dog…”
  • “Did you hear anything? It’s strange…I only hear that when I’m twisting balloons.
  • “Oh, you mean you don’t *want* a pile of shriveled latex?”
  • “Whoops! You have to be careful not to startle them.”
  • “That was my Father’s Day tribute.” (Of course, now you have to wait a whole year to use that one.)
  • “For Veteran’s Day, I do a 21-dog salute.”
  • “Oh, dear! That was (guest of honor)! I told him to quit eating the potato salad!”
  • “How many times do I have to tell these things to hold their breath!”
  • “Fortunately, I always carry a spare.”
  • A balloon twister is being sued for deflation of character by a tweety in pieces.
  • “That’s ok, I can fix it! I’m a Plastic Surgeon!”
  • That was a pop dog!
  • If a portion of the figure deflates or pops but you still have a usuable part, I like to go into the six million dollar man routine: don’t worry, I can make it bigger, faster and stronger than before!! (ad lib based on the type of figure) then attach a new balloon and go on. People love this, and I think its actually faster than simply startingover.
  • If more than one pop is heard, “So that’s where I hid my popcorn”
  • Sorry, I’m having a bad air day!
  • No balloon leaves the area untested.
  • Just tell them you went to the “School of Hard Pops”
  • If a balloon creation pops in the making, I say “That’s why they call this *pop* art.”
  • Got to go pop a few (“How do I get the blood of a dead balloon animal off my hands? 🙁 Brit Anders — Brit The Balloonist) You can get it off your hands, but you’ll never get it off your conscience. It will burn slowly in the back of your mind, spoiling your interaction with other latex items and giving you dark thoughts even about yellow round balloons, and ruin your life before you realize what has happened. Or is that just me?
  • Well that one’s definitely been fired!
  • You just can’t get good help anymore!
  • Hmm… some balloons are just sooo lazy, they’ll do anything to get out of working!
  • Gosh that sure was a lot of wind beneath my wings… oopps… did I say wings?! Sometimes I can be such a silly bird!
  • I never could blow these little critters up right, but I sure can twist ’em up right!
  • (Sing this to the tune of “Another one bites the dust”) Another one bites the air and another ones gone and another ones gone and another one bites the air!
  • Gee…. sometimes I get so full from my own meal, I feel like I could burst just like that too. Yes indeedy, I know that too full feeling very well!
  • Wasn’t that somethin’…. thank you, thank you and now ladies and jellyspoons for my next trick…. I will attempt to create a balloon that doesn’t explode!
  • Some days are diamonds & some days explode & some days the exploding days just won’t leave me alone!
  • Golly gee, if that balloon didn’t like me, it could’ve just told me so!
  • That balloon was close to retirement anyway, it just took a little earlier retirement than “WE” expected.
  • That one sure knew how to have a good time… it went out with a bang!
  • When making a flower: Phew, that one was a poppy!
  • How do you know that, in some alternate dimension, it didn’t pop?
  • That? Oh, that was just a love twist.
  • I was working this past weekend in the restaurant, had a lot of pops, especially at this one table. In a moment of either inspiration ( or frustration…you be the judge 🙂 I stopped twisting, took a step back, put my hands on my hips and blurted out… “OK, the truth is out, I used to work for Kellogg’s, with Snap and Crackle, but they fired me for overacting” then I kinda held my breath..there was silence at the table for what seemed like eternity, then as a group they all broke up. I was a happy man, and suddenly the frustration was gone.
  • If a balloon pops, I often ask the child, “Did you get a bang out of that?” or “are you a sharp kid?”

One-liners For Pumps

  • We’re here to PUMP YOU UP!
  • No, that’s not a pump, I’m here giving flu shots…

Replies for people who say “You’re cheating” or ask “why don’t you blow them up?”

  • I smile back and say “You’re right, I cheat, and the Emergency Medical Technicians are pretty darn happy about it too.”
  • “I was bottom of the class at clown school because I couldn’t.”
  • “You don’t want a balloon I spit on, do you?”
  • “Let me ask you something – did you walk here or take your car?” – the response is always ” I took my car.” so throw it back at ’em with: “Oh, you cheated!”
  • When people comment about the pump, I tell them I stayed up all night blowing air into it.
  • Once I replied “yeah, some people can blow these things up without a problem. It always impresses me.” On that, I grabbed two balloons and inflated them at once. “I guess it’s something I should practice.” Several mouths hung open, but no words came out.
  • With adults I sometimes say I have two reasons and just give one above. If they don’t ask what the second one is, I wait a while and say “you don’t want to know what the other one is do you?” and of course they do. Then I get very apologetic and explain that it wears me out or I whisper “don’t tell anyone I’m no good at it”.
  • Whenever someone who is having trouble blowing up a 260 that I have given him asks me “how do you do it?” I answer “I do it pretty good!!!!”
  • When someone points to my pump and says “you’re cheating” I reply, “I’m a clown not a fool”. This seems to quiet the hecklers immediately.
  • I use the Qualatex hand pump and put a kiss sticker on it and tell everyone it’s my extra set of lips. Either that, or when they say, “why aren’t you blowing them up” I don’t say anything, just pull out a balloon and try to hand it them, usually they won’t take it and just laugh.
  • “I’ve had to use a pump ever since the operation.”
    “Operation?”
    “Yup. Surely you’ve heard of it… a clown operation?”
  • “You must learn to breathe before you can blow up balloons.” -Bo Tzo, Ninja Clown.
  • “I can’t blow up a balloon and make fun of you at the same time.” (Heckler)
  • “I can’t blow up a balloon and kiss you at the same time.” (Handsome/Pretty Man/Woman)
  • “I can’t blow up a balloon and sing opera at the same time.” (Frightens off large crowds)
  • “I need to be ready in case anyone needs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.”
  • “I’m not filling it up with this thing, I’m just sucking out the vacuum.”
  • “Puffing builds your cheeks; pumping builds your pecs.”
  • “Ewwww – have you ever tasted one of these things?”
  • “It’s not the blowing up, it’s the blowing *in* that’s the problem.”
  • “I don’t know where that balloon’s been, and I’m not certain where it’s going to go.”
  • “I blew out a lip in Poughkeepsie when I first started, and I never recovered from the trauma.”
  • “Blowing them up orally gives you worms.”
  • “I tried blowing them up mentally, but I’m not enough of an airhead.”
  • “I eat a lot of garlic – one of my poodles popped last week, and a kid passed out.”
  • “By day I’m the congressman for the 47th district; I need to save my hot air for the floor of the House of Representatives.”
  • “By day I’m a field sales representative for Voit, and my contract specifies that I use their equipment.”
  • “By day I’m a wine taster and have to keep my palate clean.”
  • “I have to save my strength if I’m ever going to get that third little pig.” (beat, beat – oh, you got it!)
  • “I once had one backfire on me and my nose grew six inches.”
  • I’m always telling them not to put a balloon in their mouth after it’s been in mine, because their germs might not be bad & my germs might not be bad, but if they get together we could have germ warfare, and I know your mom & dad would not be happy.
  • When someone comments about why you use a pump, and don’t inflate ’em yourself… “I got tired of being carried out of here by the Paramedics… although they DID give me a punchcard… every tenth visit is FREE!”
  • If you are REALLY bold, and can run fast, do what I do whenever a guy, especially a BIG one, is giggling at the clown and then fails to be able to blow up a 260 that I give him – Lean over and whisper to the guy “Maybe if you did some pushups and built up those chest muscles.” Obviously, I only do this sparingly, and usually only to guys that are fairly big and will know that I am teasing and take it the right way.
  • I get a lot of people who see me use my pump and are on my side, saying “boy, I can understand using the pump.” I just joke around and say it stresses the people out at the restaurant when I pass out so I use my pump.

For adults:

  • “My mother told me never to put anything this shape in my mouth.”
  • “You should know that it costs double if I use my mouth.”
  • “When I start, I never know what part of the animal I’m blowing into.”
  • “I think the balloons enjoy it a little too much when I do it orally.”
  • “I tried to blow them up orally, but the plunger was uncomfortable.”
  • “Blowing them up orally was too easy, and I got arrested the last time I blew one up the other way.”
  • “I’ve got the lung power – it’s my bladder that can’t handle it.”
  • “I once had one backfire on me and my ass grew six inches.”

One-liners For Balls In Balloons

  • Make any “pregnant” joke.
  • For kids I never say the word “pregnant.” I always say “A dog eating an apple” or an orange, etc.
  • Sometimes people ask me how I got the bubble inside the dog. I say the dog ate it.
  • I put a balloon ball in a Teddy Bear for restaurant work, and tell folks “..and you can tell he’s been out to eat… see his tummy’s full..”
  • I like to do this trick with a small, wrapped candy, such as a peppermint, and I just say that the dog has a sweet tooth!
  • Foil wrapped chocolate coins might be cool to put inside balloons. It might not be too “hot” of an idea in the summer…. “melts in your balloon, not your mouth…”

One-liners For Adults

  • I get a big laugh from people (usually in restaurants or bars where I am waiting or drinking): They always ask ‘Where did you learn that?’ I usually reply well, I was bored on my last job and practiced making these when I worked for the Trojan Rubber Company.
  • Take a dark and a clear balloon, make a dark baby (what Larry calls a meatball) and stuck it in the clear balloon, then made a dog out of the clear balloon, and a rather well endowed male dog from the rest of the dark balloon. Announce “Here’s a pregnant dog… and here’s the one that did it!”
  • An old Steve Martin gag – mumble unintelligibly while inflating a balloon. Say, “I like to talk while I blow them up. Then, if it pops, it says ‘Goddamn it!'” (Adults only – I don’t curse in front of kids, and I don’t want to encourage them to pop my creations.)
  • When called “Balloon Dude” by a waitress in a breakfast restaurant, I respond with “Yes, Pancake Chick?”
  • If when I’m leaving a table, a lady at another table says “Hey! Where’s my balloon?” I’ll walk over dig through my bag, pull out a balloon, reach over and very carefully hand it to her, then walk off. It’s “abuse” for the sake of entertainment and fun, but I “suck up” big time afterwards.
  • Make a rabbit’s head and ears. Pause and say, “How do you like my rabbit ears… I usually get a good reception!” (When only one or two grown ups laugh I usually crib the old chestnut, “Thanks, I need the pity.”) I explain to kids that this is a grown up joke.
  • “What’s the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl? A poor marksman shoots and shoots but never hits.”
  • “Just let me say this, kids. Safe sex and hiccups are a dangerous combination.”

One-liners For Jerks

  • The Lovely and Talented Lorna writes:

    Later that evening he came up to me between tables
    and said “last year my Dad gave you a tip that
    was WAYY TOOOOO huge.”

  • “Yes, he gave me your charm-school tuition; had I known at the time, I’d have returned it.”
  • “Your dad now understands what a valuable commodity latex can be….”
  • “Huge? Well, in comparison to your obvious, and not so obvious, attributes, I suppose….”
  • “Yes, I explained to him that children are never too old to ‘accidentally’ choke on a balloon. He seemed very grateful”
  • “Simple economics – you deflate my ego, he inflates my tip. I *know* inflation.”
  • “In the decades to come, I’m sure you’ll look forward to hearing the phrase ‘huge tip,’ the same way you can look forward to using the phrase ‘you want fries with that?'”
  • “Yes, I understand that cheap-ass trait skips a generation….”
  • “Well, congratulations, you’ve heckled the balloon artist. Quite an accomplishment. Why don’t you go heckle the cook for a while – I understand he’s quite the practical joker.”
  • “I used it to buy a muzzle – unfortunately, I should have made a point of getting an extra large….”
  • “I used it to buy some pepper spray. Say ‘aaahhhh.'”
  • “I used it to buy some earplugs so that I wouldn’t have to listen to snot-nosed little jerks. Just a second while I put them in….”
  • “I used it to buy judo lessons… shake!”
  • “I used it to hire a body guard – Bruno, this kid’s annoying me.”
  • “I used it to put out a contract on your life. Oh, there’s Spike now….”
  • “I used it for hypno-therapy to forget…AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! YOU!!!!”And, at the end of a very long day:
  • “He must be sick of your crap, too.”
  • One of the nice things is that, as an entertainer, you can actually pull off just about any of these lines as long as you immediately turn to the onlookers and laugh *with* them.
  • The French have a phrase for it: “l’esprit de l’escalier” or “the inspiration on the stairs,” i.e., when you leave you think “I should have said….”

One-liners For Money

  • Make a Frog and call it a green back…
  • Make a Deer and call it a BUCK…
  • Make a Duck and point to it’s BILL.
  • But NEVER make a skunk… it only has ONE SCENT!

General

  • I have a terrible time remembering jokes, so I’ve made crib notes on my 260 Blaster. I use a fine point Sharpie and just write a key word for each joke, just enough to prod my memory. I’ve got about 45 minutes of material on that pump!!!
  • Here’s a new balloon song:

    Who can take some latex…
    Make a twist or twooooo
    And make it into any creature you’d see in a zoo?
    The Latex Maaaaaan, The Latex Man caaaaaaaan
    The Latex Man can because he’s full of hot air that makes the world smell good.

    Who can take a Geee-oooooooooh,
    Three 260 kyooooooooze,
    And make a fancy sculpture that gets on the evening news?
    The Latex Maaaaaan, The Latex Man caaaaaaaaaan.
    The Latex Man can because he huffs and puffs and blows to make the world smell good.

    The Latex Man bends, all his latex friends,
    Blows them up between his two lips.
    This he does for just a few tips.
    Cleans his ears with fresh, new Q-tips.

    [spoken: Hey, what do you want from a song that was just written on the fly at 8:00 in the morning…?]

    Who can make a fortune, a dollar at a time,
    And never tell the IRS that he has made a dime?
    The Latex Maaaaaan, The Latex Man caaaan,
    The Latex Man can because his cash gratuities don’t have an audit traaaaaiiiil.

Additional Sources For Jokes

  • Chicken Humor:
    Department of Poultry Science – Poulty Humor
  • Philosophical Humor:
    Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road
  • Star Trek and Chickens
  • A librarian, a Chicken and a frog
  • A million holiday jokes – all clean stuff:
    Santa’s Holiday Humor page
  • I have a book called “1001 Animal Quaker Jokes” written by Jasmine Birtles ISBN#1-85487-630-9 it is published by Robinson Children’s Books. The jokes are mostly groaners.
  • There’s a book called Super Silly Animal Riddles by James Ertner (1993-Sterling Publishing Co. Inc. New York). It is full of riddles and puns suitable for telling while twisting. The jokes are indexed by animal.

MB 12/22/95
LM 2/13/96
SKB 9/29/96
SKB 1/05/97
MB 4/4/97
SMB 11/13/99